a few days of rambling

22/Sep/2013
So, I have been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I resist saying I "have" cancer, because I don't like the conotation of that.  It is just visiting a while, and will soon be kicked out.
Throughout all this I think of Melissa, and know that she knows every step I'm about to take.  She is helping me by taking me to see the different surgeons, and sitting in on stuff, so as to be a second set of ears.  I know she is busy in her life, and I really appreciate the time she has made for me.
It is just weird that we are going through this one after the other.  I mean, she just finished all her surgeries and treatments this past july, and then I go and get diagnosed at the end of august. 
And my poor sister and mother have to live through the worrying.
Right now I am waiting for the PET scan results, which tell if there is cancer elsewhere in the body.  That is a scary one.  I expect it to come out clear, that's all I can say.
This is all very surreal in a way.  You just go through the motions of what you have to do until the day of the operation, when it gets all too real, I would think.
At first when I saw the plastic surgeon he was telling me I'm not a great candidate for reconstruction because of my weight and my smoking.  Really bummed me out.  Despite that, he explained all the different types of recon available, and I would opt for the expanders like Melissa had, I figured.  I left that office feeling like I wouldn't be able to get the reconstruction, and I did a bit of crying.
Next, when I saw the breast surgeon, she spoke as if the recon was a given, and when scheduling my surgery (Oct 11th) she made sure the plastic surgeon was available, too.  She said if anything went wrong along the way, they could always take out the expanders and stop it.  I'm glad I will at least get a chance at it.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013 4am
The PET scan was clear.  No other cancer in my body, Thank God.
It is all coming very quickly, just a couple of weeks away, more or less.  And I know what I am in for having witnessed Melissa just having gone through it all for the past almost two years.  I am not as young and fit as she is... a perfect female specimen.... So I do not nearly imagine I will come through with such flying colors as she did, but I'll make my way as best I can.
I don't know how she did it at her age, it would've devastated me.  And I guess it did her, of course.  But man, she handled it all so well, God bless her.
I have no great qualms about losing these saggy breasts I have now.  I don't like looking at them, and they get in the way.  But I want breasts, even if they are fake ones.... that's why the reconstruction is important to me.  I think I will be able to handle it... it's just  a feeling.  My body has always healed well, I think.  I don't want to wear prothestic bras, man. 
As for the cancer, since that's what this is essentially about, I am certain it will disappear once the surgery is done.  Hopefully it's in just one of those lymph nodes, but I think they take out a bunch of them, just in case.  And one will be taken out on the other side.  They will cut all this shit out, I'm sure.   And then there's the chemo.... although no one's spoke to me yet about whether I will get chemo or radiation, or both, but I'm assuming chemo at least.  That's going to be a tough haul.  My body won't be happy.  I'll have to work on that in some way.  And my hair will fall out soon after that.  Wow, it just keeps getting better, huh? Geez.  Tree says she thinks that will affect me the most, and I'm sure it won't be pretty.  I just hope facial hair goes with it, that'll be one plus.  Of course, whatever goes will come back again.... after a time. 
What kind of photojournalistic view should I take of this?  Well, this could be the first of the journalistic part, but I need photos, and self portraits are not easy with at least a tripod.  I will be enlisting the help of Melissa and Evie to take some pics of me along the route of treatment.  I wanted to do that with Melissa... had a pic of her at her first chemo (but before the chemo started), but never followed up on it, because it felt kind of intrusive, really.  Maybe I will feel that way about my own self, too.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013 9pm
I am having a big scare about insurance and whether I will get the needed coverage for an operation with the surgeons I want.  I have to see about getting supplemental medicaid benefits for medicare.  That would involve paying a monthly spend down.  It's all a big headache to me, and I feel like I have no time.
Other things going on, too, that I don't want to write about, but that weigh heavily on my mind.
Sometimes the truth about one's life can be too vivid, and not everybody needs to see that.
I'm not sure when or if I'll post this on my blog.
Tomorrow is my primary doctor, and the plastic surgeon after that.

Friday, September 27, 2013
Well, went to the plastic surgeons office yesterday, and really just spent time with his nurse, who explained all the pre-op and post-op instructions.  Lots of information, and it had my head spinning.  She said I might wake up from surgery WITHOUT being reconstructed, and that made me cry.  It all depends on a test they do during surgery, with a machine called The Spy... which sees if there is adequate blood supply in the chest wall to proceed with reconstruction.  Because I'm a smoker, it may not be adequate, in which case they wouldn't proceed with it.  It's going to be a little devastating to wake up to bad news like that.
I have to get blood drawn at a lab, and a chest xray before I can get medical clearance, and I still don't know what's going to happen with insurance and crap like that.  There is just too much to do before surgery, and not enough time to do it, it seems.  I'm getting very tired from it all.

saturday morning haiku

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hot coffee 'tween friends

leaves beginning to crumble

a recurring theme

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the mystery box completed

As you can see, there is another section above, called The Mystery Box.  This was a project that me and Evie started at the beginning of this year, and it has taken us till now to complete it.  If you'd like to read along, you should start at the bottom of the page and read upwards.... the most recent post being at top.  It's not much to read, and I would like to share the project with everyone.  Let us know what you think.  Just click on The Mystery Box, above.

the sun has set, and the clouds dance the night away

the results

I wish I could say these are the results of a horse race, or something fun like that.  Today I went to see the surgeon, and found out I indeed have breast cancer in my right breast.  It is staged very low, and I know I will be alright.  I take a lot of strength from my niece, Melissa, who just went through all this.  I have a large support system with my family and friends, and even here online.

I will keep you updated on my journey.

mammograms and biopsies

Well, I went for the mammo on friday, and it turns out they found calcifications in the right breast, and they set me up for 3 biopsies right then and there.  I wasn't expecting that.  I had a needle aspiration biopsy on the lymph node, which was pretty painful, and Stereotactic breast biopsies at the other 2 sites.
I have to follow up with a surgeon this week.  Keep good thoughts for me, if you will.

Nothing much more to tell.  Mom's still at the nursing home, and hopefully improving.

Logan has taken to using Melissa's cell phone camera from time to time.  She finds pictures of the fan, the tv, the remote, on her cell, and the other day he took a self portrait. 

A few months shy of his 4th birthday, I'd say it's a good time to start getting into photography. :)

 

 

late sunday night

Just a ramble tonight.  I have no pictures to show, which is always a drag... but I just haven't been carrying my camera with me.
Been visiting mom at the nursing home from time to time.  Got a look at her bedsores, (2, not 1 as I thought) and was horrified by the size and depth of them.  Got me and my sister sick to see that.  I'm afraid for my mom, and how long this might take to heal.  She has lost all her nerve endings, so feels no pain from this.  I don't even know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, really.

Myself, I've got a busy (for me) week ahead.  Need to see a surgeon for a swollen lymph node under my arm, on tuesday.  Wednesday I'm going to get my hair cut, hopefully cutting off the last of the brown, so I can be completely gray/silver/white.  On friday, I'm scheduled for a mammogram, which I've never had, and am not particularly looking forward to.

Well, let me see if I can find any pictures taken by others (i.e. Melissa and her partner, JC)

Melissa and Logan holding hands

Logan and JC about to play soccer

Melissa (waving) running the Percy Sutton 5k yesterday

get rid of word verification!

To those of you who still use word verification, could you please STOP?!  It is hard to read, and sometimes takes two or three times before it goes through correctly.  Why not just moderate your comments, so you could head off spam.  The word verification isn't fair to your readers, and probably keeps a lot of people from commenting.  If you don't know how to shut off the verification, ask, and I'll figure it out again and tell you.

Meanwhile, I am trying just once to get past a word verification... after that, it becomes too much of a bother.

old friends

I am blessed to have life long friends.  Of course there is Evie, who I've known for over 38 years, and luckily get to see every day.  Then there are my old friends, Amelia and Jeff... I've known Amelia for 43 years, and Jeff just a little less than that.  I don't get to see them very often... sometimes years can pass between visits.  But when I see them it is like we just take up where we left off.  There is no distance or time that can undo that.
I visited them earlier this week with Tree, Melis, and Logan.  Jeff didn't get home till late, so we didn't have that much time with him, unfortunately, but it was a great day all around.
Amelia worked on a pair of pants that I needed taken in, having lost 3 sizes since I last wore it.  She is quite the seamstress, and this outfit was for her daughter's wedding, come October.  I was going to take them to a tailor, but she insisted.  I couldn't refuse.
It was a day filled with love.  Their house is like that.  It's very refreshing.

sharing some good food, and pretzels, too!

Tree helping Logan with penmanship

Amelia at the sewing machine



Jeff playing Angry Birds with Logan

yet another

A muggy August night, but the sun is moving slowly to the south, so the days are shortening.  Yay.