Wednesday, May 4, 2016


Already I feel myself changing due to this new diagnosis of my physical being.   Not so much the changes going on inside the body, but the resultant changes in my heart and mind.
I feel an increased strength, oddly enough, despite the most devastating news of my life.
It is a feeling of "Ah yes, this is MY life, and I control it the way I want to, not the way others may think I should.  I don't walk in anybody else's shoes, and I give no permission to try on mine.

The initial poignant revelation is that I will take no one's shit. Not that there are many folks that even irk me this way.  I just know, though, that if someone does, they will be hearing from me, and straightened out.
One small instance comes to mind.  Talking on the phone today with my therapist, Alice, she asked how I am.  I said "Pretty good."  Well, she was on that phrase awful quickly, questioning "What does that mean?"   Well duh, it means exactly what I am saying... Pretty good....  not great, but not bad either.  I don't talk in riddles, I am quite straight forward... and to read me as if I am hiding something, or not laying my cards on the table, is to sort of insult me.  So listen to me, and take what I say at face value.  That is the most respectful thing you can do for me.
Perhaps, for me, being misunderstood is a sore point, as I try to be clear and honest in my expression of myself.

There is also this stronger wisdom of others emerging within me, so early in this new journey.  The fact that just about everybody has their own row to hoe, and our lives are no more hard or easy in comparison to anyone else's.  We can/should only encourage each other to live as well as we can despite troubled times or decline of health, etc. 
There is always a well of something "other" that we can haul up when we really need to.  If you don't have strength of body, maybe you can haul up strength of mind to help balance the deficit.  Or strength of love. That's a really strong balancing agent, and of course balance is what good health is ultimately about.

Is my spirituality changing?  I wouldn't say that.  It's breathing... the way it has been my whole life... sometimes taking deeper breathes than other times.  I "believe" in a multi-faceted way, which I think has been a part of who I am since I was probably seven years old.  Nature has always been my touchstone, and no doubt trumps all other spiritual/religious learnings throughout my life, including my Catholic upbringing, which was not strict at all, by the way.  Some of my ways of thinking are considered pagan, of course... which, to many, would appear to be in direct conflict with the idea of God/Christ.  But to me, all these things blend nicely within myself... one nurturing the other, to create my own peace.  That's good enough for me.
There is a bit of selfishness that is emerging now, too.  I guess that's to be expected. I'm just aware that I need to conserve my efforts.  If my mom were still alive, for instance, I wouldn't be able to help her like I did for so many years.  That was evident during the last year or so of her life, after I got the cancer and the double mastectomy, which put an end to me being able to lift and transfer her.  This is a bit different, though, now.  It's beyond a physical thing... it is much more psychic, so to speak.  A psychic selfishness, maybe.  It is not that I am unable to "give" to others.. I can both give and receive love, kindness, good humor, etc.  It's more an intuitive knowing not to give in ways which might deplete me in some aspect.
For the most part I don't worry myself about too much of that.  I don't associate with a lot of people or personalities that might be in conflict to mine.  My family members and friends are small in number, but great in substance, and operate on a basis that has no room or need for bullshit.  That's a blessing.

So, these changes I speak of, are elusive, at best, and very new.  I can feel it, though.  It is a shift in being, which is a very powerful thing.  How it develops through time will be interesting to see.  I will try my best to stay attuned to it.

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