ch-ch-ch-changes

Already I feel myself changing due to this new diagnosis of my physical being.   Not so much the changes going on inside the body, but the resultant changes in my heart and mind.
I feel an increased strength, oddly enough, despite the most devastating news of my life.
It is a feeling of "Ah yes, this is MY life, and I control it the way I want to, not the way others may think I should.  I don't walk in anybody else's shoes, and I give no permission to try on mine.
The initial poignant revelation is that I will take no one's shit. Not that there are many folks that even irk me this way.  I just know, though, that if someone does, they will be hearing from me, and straightened out.
One small instance comes to mind.  Talking on the phone today with my therapist, Alice, she asked how I am.  I said "Pretty good."  Well, she was on that phrase awful quickly, questioning "What does that mean?"   Well duh, it means exactly what I am saying... Pretty good....  not great, but not bad either.  I don't talk in riddles, I am quite straight forward... and to read me as if I am hiding something, or not laying my cards on the table, is to sort of insult me.  So listen to me, and take what I say at face value.  That is the most respectful thing you can do for me.
Perhaps, for me, being misunderstood is a sore point, as I try to be clear and honest in my expression of myself.
There is also this stronger wisdom of others emerging within me, so early in this new journey.  The fact that just about everybody has their own row to hoe, and our lives are no more hard or easy in comparison to anyone else's.  We can/should only encourage each other to live as well as we can despite troubled times or decline of health, etc. 
There is always a well of something "other" that we can haul up when we really need to.  If you don't have strength of body, maybe you can haul up strength of mind to help balance the deficit.  Or strength of love. That's a really strong balancing agent, and of course balance is what good health is ultimately about.
Is my spirituality changing?  I wouldn't say that.  It's breathing... the way it has been my whole life... sometimes taking deeper breathes than other times.  I "believe" in a multi-faceted way, which I think has been a part of who I am since I was probably seven years old.  Nature has always been my touchstone, and no doubt trumps all other spiritual/religious learnings throughout my life, including my Catholic upbringing, which was not strict at all, by the way.  Some of my ways of thinking are considered pagan, of course... which, to many, would appear to be in direct conflict with the idea of God/Christ.  But to me, all these things blend nicely within myself... one nurturing the other, to create my own peace.  That's good enough for me.
There is a bit of selfishness that is emerging now, too.  I guess that's to be expected. I'm just aware that I need to conserve my efforts.  If my mom were still alive, for instance, I wouldn't be able to help her like I did for so many years.  That was evident during the last year or so of her life, after I got the cancer and the double mastectomy, which put an end to me being able to lift and transfer her.  This is a bit different, though, now.  It's beyond a physical thing... it is much more psychic, so to speak.  A psychic selfishness, maybe.  It is not that I am unable to "give" to others.. I can both give and receive love, kindness, good humor, etc.  It's more an intuitive knowing not to give in ways which might deplete me in some aspect.
For the most part I don't worry myself about too much of that.  I don't associate with a lot of people or personalities that might be in conflict to mine.  My family members and friends are small in number, but great in substance, and operate on a basis that has no room or need for bullshit.  That's a blessing.
So, these changes I speak of, are elusive, at best, and very new.  I can feel it, though.  It is a shift in being, which is a very powerful thing.  How it develops through time will be interesting to see.  I will try my best to stay attuned to it.

just rambling here

I keep thinking I need to call my mom and let her know I'm home.  The feeling to call my mom has been strong ever since she died.  My sister feels it, too.  We communicated with her, daily, for the most part over the phone.
It's a feeling as if something will stay incomplete unless you "let her know".
Of course, she does.
I imagine her observing evenly, having become the Owl she always was.  Observing the movements of my heart and mind, but having no judgement, no need to assign value, either good or bad... just observation, and an accompanying peace.
"I see her,"  Owl says.
And that, in part, gives me some peace.
My birthday in three days.  I will be sixty-two.  In light of recent events, this number is somewhat less ordinary, or even meaningless.  Now it is the number of a significant life event that threatens to take away one's accumulation of numbers.   If you get my drift.
The woman in the bed next to me looked to me like she was maybe 80.  I soon learned that she was 67.  She was ravaged by cancer, and it was robbing her of her numbers. 
I don't know how many numbers I'll have to give in, if any, and I don't care to know.  Makes no never mind to me.
When the time comes, Wolf will howl beneath a pearly moon, while Owl hoots nearby.  True essence emerging.  Numbers will be obsolete.
Today I thought about extraordinary encounters I've had throughout my life, with higher consciousness...  although "higher" isn't quite the right word for me.  It is not so much higher or lower as it is Open or Shut.   The more you open, the more levels that can be experienced.  I think this is why I experienced many things in my teens, 20's, and 30's...  we are less jaded by the world, so more open.  Life and its trials and tribulations through the years can often close down a lot of expanded consciousness.... at least that has been my experience.
Though in no chronological order, some of the things I've gained familiarity with, first hand, are:
astral travel
shamanic journeying, power/spirit animal retrieval
encounters of the 3rd kind
pressence of spirit beings under varying circumstances
At this point in my life now, I am suddenly feeling closer to that openess which allows such energies to make themselves known.
Time will tell, and I will, too, if stuff starts revealing itself.
You never know what, either.
Way back when, in Medicine Wheel Gathering days, when Sun Bear was still alive, I remember talking to Grey Antelope about Spirit animals and such.  I was thinking maybe he could tell me what mine was, and I believe I hinted that it just had to be a bird of some sort.  Well Grey Antelope never did tell me my power animal.  Wolf came to me clearly in lucid dreams, over a course of time, until I was "given" the name, Running Wolf.  Not nearly a bird after all!
Just rambling here.

recovery and loss, these past 3 weeks

I haven't taken a picture yet this month/year, and I am itchy to get the shutter clicking.  Of course it has been a month of doctor's visits and surgeries, and roads to recovery, so I have not exactly been in the photographing mode.  Besides being in pain, and unable to walk very well unassisted, it is way to cold to step outside, and even my cat isn't amenable to haven't a photo session.
31/Jan/2015 0:41

My house is a mess, and I didn't try to straighten it before surgery, and am unable to do it now.  I'm a slob.  It's very frustrating.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and the percocets aren't having the sleep inducing sensation they usually do.  So, watching repeats of Friends, and strolling the internet.  Not much people interaction at this time of night.
These drains are still deep red and filling frequently.  Ugh.
31/Jan/2015 3:07

I ran out of percocets yesterday, and have had 2 days of pain.  It is all your head can think about.
Tonight luckily I got a couple of percocets from a neighbor.  It sucks th at they can't call in pain pills to the pharmacy.  I'll get another prescription on wednesday when I see Dr. Cohen.  I hope he athinks I'm doing well.
2/Feb/2015 23:30

It's late wednesday, early am of thursday, the fifth.
My mother isn't doing well.  Tree says she is dying, she has given up.  I can't even reach her by phone, and am not in any shape to be getting there, so it all just sucks.  This seems to be the end of the line for her, and I can do nothing.  My mother dying?  It sucks that she didn't have any quality of life these past few years.  I pray that she will go into her husband's arms, and be at the true peace she craves so badly.  This life has just become too much.  I've missed her for a long time already.
I am a little numb over everything going on.
Today I saw Dr Cohen my sweetheart of a plastic surgeon.  They milked the drains and got out quite a bit, as there had been a clot on either side.  The drains are leaking and there's not much you can do about that, except maybe wear sanitary napkins. at least they would stick.  Hard to get out and get that.
He said i was healing well, and was very comfortying, as usual., along with Launda, his nurse.  Launda was going to come tomorrow, to walk with me, buyt I told her not to... that I'd walk some with evie... at least around the halls, since it's going to snow some more.   They knew I was in p ain, and Dr Cohen was concerned that I needed an anti anxiety with what's going on with my mother, on 0top of the recovery.  They called in the meds (percocets and xanax) to the maimo pharmacy, up t he block, and Dr Cohen went and got them himself, and wouldn't take any money for t hem.  What a guy.  He showed me pics of his  2 young sons, and 9 mos old daughter.  He must be such a loving father.  Adorable kids.
Wish I could get it together enough to make him a lady of abundance before next week.
5/Feb/2015 0:51

My mom died this morning around 9am.  She was the best mom, and a  good friend all my life.  We did so many fun things together that I will never forget.  Life with her and my dad was the best.  I pray you are with daddy now, and even your mom and dad, and that the love is neverending.
9/Feb/2015 22:40

Couldn't get any more percocets from the doctor, suggesting 800mg of motrin.  They don't want you to get addicted, I guess.  So, tolerating a little more pain than usual.  Still have the drains.  Whatever.
I miss my mom and want to talk to her.  A weird feeling.  I remember that feeling when daddy died.  Wanting to talk.
Thinking all kinds of after death scenerios.  What the interaction, if any, would be like.   I think light beings relating purely, knowing each other at it's  p urest.  The ability to overlook this earthly life, but just as observers.... without judgement.  Pure love.  I wonder if they interact with the angels, and remind them to watch and help us.  Spirit persists, I know that.  Soul is forever.
There are many steps.
13/Feb/2015 0:41


The wake was today.  They did her well, and she looked good, very much at rest. Her hands looked beautiful.  It was a small turn out of people, and I appreciated those who showed.  Tomorrow is the funeral, but we're not going to take the long ride out to Riverhead for the buriel(at Calverton military cemetary with my dad).  It's just too far and the weather is expected to be bad.  We'll do t he mass in the church, St. Catherine of Alexandria.
16/Feb/2015 22:50


It snowed a good amount overnight, and through the morning.  Mom and I had a thing when it snowed, where we'd always call each other and say "It's snowing!"  It was our thing.  This time she told me from heaven, I guess.   "It's snowing, Ma', I said back to her, 'it's snowing."
17/Feb/2015 14:08

129/365 spirit

Spirit rises out of my body at night, causing me to jump, and pull it back in.  When I astral projected when I was younger, was it my spirit making those journies.  I can only think yes it was.
Spirit can move in and around things, traveling in n instant.  A different dimension of time as we know it.
Spirit moves you.  Walks as you walk.  The Great Spirit watches over us, teaching lessons through the sunsets and the trees and the animals.
I am thankful for the Great Spirit.  May I walk in balance.

doll collage

on scan board (click pic to view larger)

threads and gems

The doll is progressing nicely. I don't know what her name is yet. I've painted her whole body, and wrapped her arms in embroidery floss. Today, her "hands" were incrusted with lots of semi-precious gems (little flakes of various gemstones). She is really gaining power.

I had a head sculpted for another doll, but not yet cured, the piece kept losing the head, getting dry and falling off. So, I cut the face off of that head, and I'm using it on this healing spirit doll.... I used gold pearl-ex to enhance the face. I think I want to hang things from her arms... not sure what, though. Beads? Charms of some sort?