Wednesday, February 18, 2015
recovery and loss, these past 3 weeks
I haven't taken a picture yet this month/year, and I am itchy to get the shutter clicking. Of course it has been a month of doctor's visits and surgeries, and roads to recovery, so I have not exactly been in the photographing mode. Besides being in pain, and unable to walk very well unassisted, it is way to cold to step outside, and even my cat isn't amenable to haven't a photo session.
My house is a mess, and I didn't try to straighten it before surgery, and am unable to do it now. I'm a slob. It's very frustrating.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and the percocets aren't having the sleep inducing sensation they usually do. So, watching repeats of Friends, and strolling the internet. Not much people interaction at this time of night.
These drains are still deep red and filling frequently. Ugh.
I ran out of percocets yesterday, and have had 2 days of pain. It is all your head can think about.
Tonight luckily I got a couple of percocets from a neighbor. It sucks th at they can't call in pain pills to the pharmacy. I'll get another prescription on wednesday when I see Dr. Cohen. I hope he athinks I'm doing well.
It's late wednesday, early am of thursday, the fifth.
My mother isn't doing well. Tree says she is dying, she has given up. I can't even reach her by phone, and am not in any shape to be getting there, so it all just sucks. This seems to be the end of the line for her, and I can do nothing. My mother dying? It sucks that she didn't have any quality of life these past few years. I pray that she will go into her husband's arms, and be at the true peace she craves so badly. This life has just become too much. I've missed her for a long time already.
I am a little numb over everything going on.
Today I saw Dr Cohen my sweetheart of a plastic surgeon. They milked the drains and got out quite a bit, as there had been a clot on either side. The drains are leaking and there's not much you can do about that, except maybe wear sanitary napkins. at least they would stick. Hard to get out and get that.
He said i was healing well, and was very comfortying, as usual., along with Launda, his nurse. Launda was going to come tomorrow, to walk with me, buyt I told her not to... that I'd walk some with evie... at least around the halls, since it's going to snow some more. They knew I was in p ain, and Dr Cohen was concerned that I needed an anti anxiety with what's going on with my mother, on 0top of the recovery. They called in the meds (percocets and xanax) to the maimo pharmacy, up t he block, and Dr Cohen went and got them himself, and wouldn't take any money for t hem. What a guy. He showed me pics of his 2 young sons, and 9 mos old daughter. He must be such a loving father. Adorable kids.
Wish I could get it together enough to make him a lady of abundance before next week.
My mom died this morning around 9am. She was the best mom, and a good friend all my life. We did so many fun things together that I will never forget. Life with her and my dad was the best. I pray you are with daddy now, and even your mom and dad, and that the love is neverending.
Couldn't get any more percocets from the doctor, suggesting 800mg of motrin. They don't want you to get addicted, I guess. So, tolerating a little more pain than usual. Still have the drains. Whatever.
I miss my mom and want to talk to her. A weird feeling. I remember that feeling when daddy died. Wanting to talk.
Thinking all kinds of after death scenerios. What the interaction, if any, would be like. I think light beings relating purely, knowing each other at it's p urest. The ability to overlook this earthly life, but just as observers.... without judgement. Pure love. I wonder if they interact with the angels, and remind them to watch and help us. Spirit persists, I know that. Soul is forever.
There are many steps.
The wake was today. They did her well, and she looked good, very much at rest. Her hands looked beautiful. It was a small turn out of people, and I appreciated those who showed. Tomorrow is the funeral, but we're not going to take the long ride out to Riverhead for the buriel(at Calverton military cemetary with my dad). It's just too far and the weather is expected to be bad. We'll do t he mass in the church, St. Catherine of Alexandria.
It snowed a good amount overnight, and through the morning. Mom and I had a thing when it snowed, where we'd always call each other and say "It's snowing!" It was our thing. This time she told me from heaven, I guess. "It's snowing, Ma', I said back to her, 'it's snowing."