death and netflix

On the shows at the end of season two of Grace and Frankie, there are these scenes with a dear friend of theirs, called Babe, who is choosing to end her life with dignity, as cancer has taken her over.  She is a nutsy character, play by the inimitable Estelle Parsons.  She has lived an over the top kind of good life, is probably in her 70's, and wants Grace and Frankie (Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin) to help her on this journey.  Quite an emotional turmoil for the characters.
Now suddenly, there are new story lines that somehow affect me.
I have no ide,a or want,  to end my life, but it makes me wonder.. when does someone possibly come to that cross-roads, if ever?
I know this character was more or less at the top of her game, and wanted to go out in that fashion, but deep inside I really don't get that.  I mean who's to say how long she could've gone on at that level... or maybe not even at that level... so what that it might be less.  If you can't handle it, then so be it...  But to check out?  Just doesn't seem right.
My opinion.
Anyway, enjoying these shows that I find on Netflix every now and then. But it's hard not to binge-watch them, and then you have a long wait till the next season starts.
Sam Waterston and Martin Sheen are also in this one.  They are the ex-husbands of Grace and Frankie, and come out at the beginning of the series, as gay, having been in love with each other forever, and they proceed to live together.
The main characters are all 70-something, give or take, and there are their adult children, who interact regularly.
It's very enjoyable.

Bad

 

 

 

Today I am sorry to say that my sister had to put down her beloved cat, Bad.  He was 20 years old and was quite sick.  My sympathies go out to her, and I know how hard it is to deal with this outcome.  Bad had a good and long life with you, Tree, and he was very happy all his days.  Someday in the the distant future we will again meet up with all our 4-legged loved ones at the Rainbow Bridge.

The Rainbow Bridge

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
 Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
 Where the friends of man and woman do run,
 When their time on earth is over and done.
 For here, between this world and the next,
 Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
 On this golden land, they wait and they play,
 Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.
 No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
 For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
 Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
 Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.
 They romp through the grass, without even a care,
 Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
 All ears pricked forward, eyes dart front and back,
 Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.
 For just at that instant, their eyes have met;
 Together again, both person and pet.
 So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
 The time of their parting is over at last.
 The sadness they felt while they were apart,
 Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
 They embrace with a love that will last forever,

And then, side-by-side, they cross over . . . together.

recovery and loss, these past 3 weeks

I haven't taken a picture yet this month/year, and I am itchy to get the shutter clicking.  Of course it has been a month of doctor's visits and surgeries, and roads to recovery, so I have not exactly been in the photographing mode.  Besides being in pain, and unable to walk very well unassisted, it is way to cold to step outside, and even my cat isn't amenable to haven't a photo session.
31/Jan/2015 0:41

My house is a mess, and I didn't try to straighten it before surgery, and am unable to do it now.  I'm a slob.  It's very frustrating.

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and the percocets aren't having the sleep inducing sensation they usually do.  So, watching repeats of Friends, and strolling the internet.  Not much people interaction at this time of night.
These drains are still deep red and filling frequently.  Ugh.
31/Jan/2015 3:07

I ran out of percocets yesterday, and have had 2 days of pain.  It is all your head can think about.
Tonight luckily I got a couple of percocets from a neighbor.  It sucks th at they can't call in pain pills to the pharmacy.  I'll get another prescription on wednesday when I see Dr. Cohen.  I hope he athinks I'm doing well.
2/Feb/2015 23:30

It's late wednesday, early am of thursday, the fifth.
My mother isn't doing well.  Tree says she is dying, she has given up.  I can't even reach her by phone, and am not in any shape to be getting there, so it all just sucks.  This seems to be the end of the line for her, and I can do nothing.  My mother dying?  It sucks that she didn't have any quality of life these past few years.  I pray that she will go into her husband's arms, and be at the true peace she craves so badly.  This life has just become too much.  I've missed her for a long time already.
I am a little numb over everything going on.
Today I saw Dr Cohen my sweetheart of a plastic surgeon.  They milked the drains and got out quite a bit, as there had been a clot on either side.  The drains are leaking and there's not much you can do about that, except maybe wear sanitary napkins. at least they would stick.  Hard to get out and get that.
He said i was healing well, and was very comfortying, as usual., along with Launda, his nurse.  Launda was going to come tomorrow, to walk with me, buyt I told her not to... that I'd walk some with evie... at least around the halls, since it's going to snow some more.   They knew I was in p ain, and Dr Cohen was concerned that I needed an anti anxiety with what's going on with my mother, on 0top of the recovery.  They called in the meds (percocets and xanax) to the maimo pharmacy, up t he block, and Dr Cohen went and got them himself, and wouldn't take any money for t hem.  What a guy.  He showed me pics of his  2 young sons, and 9 mos old daughter.  He must be such a loving father.  Adorable kids.
Wish I could get it together enough to make him a lady of abundance before next week.
5/Feb/2015 0:51

My mom died this morning around 9am.  She was the best mom, and a  good friend all my life.  We did so many fun things together that I will never forget.  Life with her and my dad was the best.  I pray you are with daddy now, and even your mom and dad, and that the love is neverending.
9/Feb/2015 22:40

Couldn't get any more percocets from the doctor, suggesting 800mg of motrin.  They don't want you to get addicted, I guess.  So, tolerating a little more pain than usual.  Still have the drains.  Whatever.
I miss my mom and want to talk to her.  A weird feeling.  I remember that feeling when daddy died.  Wanting to talk.
Thinking all kinds of after death scenerios.  What the interaction, if any, would be like.   I think light beings relating purely, knowing each other at it's  p urest.  The ability to overlook this earthly life, but just as observers.... without judgement.  Pure love.  I wonder if they interact with the angels, and remind them to watch and help us.  Spirit persists, I know that.  Soul is forever.
There are many steps.
13/Feb/2015 0:41


The wake was today.  They did her well, and she looked good, very much at rest. Her hands looked beautiful.  It was a small turn out of people, and I appreciated those who showed.  Tomorrow is the funeral, but we're not going to take the long ride out to Riverhead for the buriel(at Calverton military cemetary with my dad).  It's just too far and the weather is expected to be bad.  We'll do t he mass in the church, St. Catherine of Alexandria.
16/Feb/2015 22:50


It snowed a good amount overnight, and through the morning.  Mom and I had a thing when it snowed, where we'd always call each other and say "It's snowing!"  It was our thing.  This time she told me from heaven, I guess.   "It's snowing, Ma', I said back to her, 'it's snowing."
17/Feb/2015 14:08

My mommy died

After a year and a half of battling infected bedsores, my mother has passed away.  My heart is broken.  She was the strongest woman I've ever known, so full of life.  I pray she is in heaven with my father now, and dancing the Lindy with him.  She had such a hard life. and now she is at peace.  I love you mommy.

63/365 death

"The death of one is the death of us all."  I cannot recall who said it.
The Native Americans call dreaming, "the little death".  So I imagine death may be the big dream.
Some deaths I've experienced of people close to me have affected me.  My father's death, it goes without saying, was the most traumatic of all.  My guardian and my best friend, my mother's husband, my sister's father, my niece's grandfather -- all these men dying in one instant, during a dream, hugging his pillow.  After seeing him and spending hours with my mother and sister before the coroner came, I drove home--And I always remember it as driving in the rain, but in reality it was my eyes that were raining.
I had a friend in first grade, her name was Jane.  She died that year from Leukemia.  It was so strange having her gone.
The death of John Lennon was a big blow to me, and I cried on and off for days because of it.  Surely that was the death of us all.
I do not welcome death, and having my loved ones mourn my death.  But I imagine it is a journey to someplace better; my own piece of heaven, like that book, what's the name  "5 people in heaven" I think.
I would like to think I'd be reunited with my dad when it happens.

the Rovaniemi cemetary, Lapland, Finland

change in the weather

It has been a strange couple of days... a feeling in the air; the density rising and falling, freezing and thawing. The sky says snow, but not just yet... a cluster of rain storms, even thunderstorms expected throughout the day tomorrow.

Yesterday was the 17th anniversary of my father's death. Anniversary is a silly word for a death day. 28 years since John Lennon's death on the same day. A day that has been remembered for a long time.

It's a melancholy time.

I eat pastina, and contemplate my life.

I think about times of my life. The good moments stand out like gems; hard like diamonds that can sustain their shape and clarity throughout the ages. Dark times sink into the earth, and are recomposed into something less ominous.

In my life I have had two great loves, separated by time and distances of thousands of miles and many years. Estranged now, from both of them, I reflect upon what the Brujo said to me....
Que hicieron con sus manos es deshacerse de sus pies ... What you put together with your hands you take apart with your feet. It was about me leaving... gathering things and people into my life, and eventually leaving... sometimes emotionally, and oftimes physically. Sometimes, I have just stood still, and pushed.

But, you see, I wasn't always like that. I'm not like that today. The day after tomorrow is a whole 'nother story. ;-)

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Today I made translucent chrysanthemum canes, and covered a tin with them. It looks nice, just needs sanding, buffing, and a glaze.

I came across several items I want to use for my another art doll. An old turtle shell, a small moth shaped card, from my friend, Two Crows, when we were still connected, crystals, for sure...which will probably replace arms/legs These things are precious to me, but sometimes another life calls. Perhaps they will become part of an art doll that someone else will treasure for its parts, and as a whole. I need some representation of fire, because I believe it is an Elements doll, overall.

This doll must stand on her own.. that is a thread I'd like to work with. It is figurative, of course, but it is quite literal, too... I want to construct if so it stands without need of support.