family and friends

...on Memorial Day Weekend.

radiation days

I put my palm in the reader (something new in i.d.ing people), give my birthdate, and my picture comes up on a screen.  Right  patient.  They realize it's my birthday, and wishes are made, and asking if I have any big plans.  I explain that the big plans will go down after treatments have ended.   I climb on the table.
My butt scrunched up against the plastic pillar, covered with a sheet, a bolster under my knees,
my right arm extended overhead, holding onto a post behind my head, and my left hand at my side, tied in with a sheet to cover some support, but not enough, and sometimes my arms trembles, trying to stay in that very same position, which is what is necessary for the radiation to work correctly.
The big round saucer comes down above me, my head tilted away from my right side, which is the affected side.  It whirrs, and from the corner of my eye I can see things lining up inside, making decisions and designs.  Never sure when I am getting zapped.  Many moving parts.  Some things look down at you, some close up at your side, like  a table closing in.  Zapping now?   You never really know.  Sometimes the thing I'm laying on starts to jerk, a little, and a little more.  I always feel for sure the zappings happening then.
I watch each shift of machinery, anticipating correctly what is coming next.  Then every other day they come in mid-way, with a yellow gel-pack that they strongly secure to my radiated parts.  It's supposed to pull the radiation closer to the skin.  It extends the treatment for another two minutes, but then the tech's come in, and untie my hand, and I can let go of that rod that has my arm frozen in position, and takes a while to thaw. The tape securing the gel pack are torn off quickly, and I am free. The techs.. nice men and women whose names elude me, as I'm bad at that, but I sure do like them.  "Another day down" the one of them always says.  Yup, another day down.
Afterwards, in the changing room, I compare the both sides of my chest, and see how dark and red it's becoming on the right side... skin just breaking under the arm, too.  So close to the end of treatments, but this is the skin at it's most sensitive.

Tibetan Museum of Art

Me and Evie visited the Tibetan Museum of Art today, in Staten Island.  It was just the tiniest of  places, with two rooms of Tibetan artifacts, including a beautiful sand painting under glass.  It was a little disappointing... not too sure what we were expecting.   Many years ago I had a dream that I was in some type of Tibetan monastery, and there were artifacts on 3 levels of display, and that's exactly what was there today.  Got a little bit of the chills when I saw it.

park day

This past sunday was a beautiful Spring day.  I went with my sister, niece, and great-nephew, to a park down on shore road, and watched Logan playing.  It was good to get some air, and to take some pics of my best buds.

me and my buddy, Logan

Theresa and Logan

Melissa and Logan

a few words for April

The PET scan I had after chemotherapy ended showed no sign of cancer... not in the lymph nodes or anything!  Now I am having radiation as an extra precaution.  I've just finished my 4th treatment and have some 30 to go.  It's everyday, monday through friday, in the middle of the afternoon, so it kind of kills the day, but stupid me, those were the hours I requested.  Taking buses, waiting in waiting rooms, and the treatment, all combine to make me kind of tired when I get home, so I nap for a couple of hours.

Haven't been out with my camera in ages, but the weather is getting nicer now, so maybe I will.  Hoping to see my sister, Melissa, and Logan this weekend.  That will warrant pictures.

short update

A little update on me.

I finished my 8 courses of chemotherapy this past monday, the 24th.  These are my down days following the infusion.  But when these aches/pains/fatigue pass this time, there is no having to go back and do it again.  I'll start feeling more myself, hopefully.
I've been holed up inside for the most part over the months. Feeling weak to walk. Cold weather.  Snow.  More snow expected in a couple of days, and it will be March.  Coming in like a lion, it seems.
In less than 3 weeks I start radiation.  5 days a week for 7 weeks.  The process itself is short, maybe 10-15 minutes, but oye, everyday.
I am worried about my extensive lymph node involvement ... 17 positive out of 22 removed is not such good odds, and is what bumped me to Stage 3 cancer.  I just hope the chemo/radiation kills the damn shit off.
By my 60th birthday, in May, I want to celebrate being cancer-free.  Get the Jack Daniels, and roll another one.

Haven't been out (or in) with the camera, so nothing of mine to show.  But here's a pic that Mel took of Logan on "picture day" for this pre-K class.

dirt

“Don't use the phone. People are never ready to answer it. Use poetry.” 
― Jack Kerouac


Where would Jack Kerouac say to start?  Well, wherever you are, baby, don'tchaknow.  Here in a friend's house, walls adorned with paintings paintings and more paintings.  Must be an artist, that's where she starts.  Me, the "writer", locked out of words for long stretches of time, but only because I don't do it, it's there to do.  Jack would say look at the dirt here on the road.  Get a feel.
I got a feel so deep it's etched in my bones.  Know where I am.  Need new dirt.

This blog has to do with dirt.  That's why the address is Road Side Gems, even though the name of the blog is Reading the Sky... roadsidegems...that's the dirt and rocks alongside the road, always different yet the same, wherever you travel.  Always touched by the same moon.  Did you ever gather up dirt from a special place to bring home with you?  I've done things like this.... just little bits, put in some bottles or containers.  Dirt from inside the medicine wheel back when Sun Bear was alive, and Grey Antelope, too.  Rocks from the roadside in Durango, Colorado, where everything looked like turquoise.
Then there have been people who've brought back dirt from places like Machu Picchu, or the Grand Canyon.  I believe that was my old friends, Alan and Laurel.  Long lost now.  But I have the dirt.


“My witness is the empty sky.” 
― Jack Kerouac

catch up

Why do I find it infuriating when people can't spell certain words?  When they use "loose" when they mean "lose".... grrrr..... Your pants are loose.... You lose a job.  Advise when they mean advice.   And oh the run on sentences I see on facebook.  My insides churn, knowing these are mothers writing on the same FB their kids use, and there is NO example being set.  Sometimes I see periods in the MIDDLE of a sentence, making no literal sense whatsoever, and I've seen this happen more than twice with two different posters.

These are the things that start irritating you when you've been holed up in the house for too long.  Mostly down due to pain, which lasts from wednesday to sunday, it seems, after getting chemo/wbc injection on monday and tuesday.  Then I have a free week with no chemo.  It's late monday now, and I felt ok most of the day.  Up late now, just can't sleep, but at least it's not due to pain.

It snowed several inches, but I haven't been out to see it.  I need to get some air soon, feel like I am suffocating.

Haven't seen family since Christmas, so I am missing them.   Here's a pic of me and mom taken on Christmas day, when she was still in the nursing home.  She's out now, has 24 hour care, and daily dressing changes on the bedsores.  A hard situation for her to be in, but at least, thank God, she is home.

some winter trees

migrating geese

My niece, Melissa, turned 40 on the first on the month.  This blows me away, and seems impossible.  Reminds me that I am inching towards 60 this year, and that's just outta line!

She is a beautiful healthy 40.... the new thirty, don't you know.

trudge uphill, slide back, trudge up again, 2014 in 10 lines

The days go by in chaotic manner

Sleeping in shifts, hours at a time,

waking hungry at 4am, sleepy at 6.

Pain rides from my chest to my toes

and everywhere in between

I wait for narcotic scripts in the mail

and face the snow to go fill them.

Relief comes, but the mind still wanders

to things it should not.

Such is the nature of the beast.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Merry Christmas to all!

Spent Christmas Eve at my niece Melissa's house, where she made a feast of foods and desserts.  I was determined to photograph all the food, but after appetizers, I got glassy eyed, and forgot all about it.  There was a delicious Lasagna, and for dessert, all home made... 7 layer cookies, strufulli, and Mexican wedding cake.

yummiest baked clams

Logan introduced Superman to Christmas

Jimi (Mel's dad), JC, Melissa, and Logan

The Hostess with the Mostest

beautiful boy

scrumptious appetizers

Melissa and me

Melissa, and my sister