new year's eve

During these last hours of 2014, I'm going over the year.  The first half was all cancer treatment, months of chemo, and weeks of radiation.  A lot of exhaustion and pain.  Radiation wasn't so bad, just tedious, doing it every day (cept sat and sun) for about 7 weeks.  Then, moving back into my apartment (I had been living with evie during my treatments).  Just took it easy for the rest of the year, really, going to family gatherings at Melis's house, or Tree's place.  Took a short but very nice vacation in August with Tree, Melis and Logan.   Since then the months have rushed by.
I'm looking forward to good changes.  My reconstruction is scheduled for the end of january, and hopefully that's when it will be.  I've not been smoking, as per my plastic surgeon's orders, and it is very hard.  Just taking it day by day, that's all I can do.
I want to work on the hard copy of my novel once and for all this coming year.  Yes, that's a resolution... or maybe just one for the bucket list.  I want to take way more pictures...  I only take the camera out for events with Logan, or something similar.  That's all well and good, but I want to get some creative shots going.  I want to go to Starbucks with my Surface, just for a cuppa joe and the chance to use public wi-fi.  I want to do some things that I can't imagine doing right now, but when I do them, I'll remember writing this, and refer to this post in a new post telling of the adventure.
I wish a wonderful year to all of you reading this.  May it be magical.


Here's a recent shot of the winter sky.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Had a lovely Christmas Eve at my niece, Melissa's place.  Logan gave me a small wooden jewelry box that says Aunt, You're the coolest, on it.  I will treasure it forever.  Children make Christmas wonderful.

musings

There will always be songs that remind of times gone by, of certain people.  But what are the songs in your life that remind you of yourself for some reason?  For me, there are such songs.  It is not necessarily their words (but sometimes, yes)… they are like photographs of a you who once was.  For me, Neil Young’s Down By the River, is one of those songs that reminds me of me, or more especially, who I was in my 30’s.  My song for myself.  Same goes for Otis Redding’s Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay…. Reminds me of a very young me, who was very taken by the words to that song when it came out, and identified with it for whatever reason.
What would be my song for today, for who I’ve become, rather than who I was?  I don’t have a song for today.  Well, maybe I do… I like that song Brave, by some woman who’s name I simply cannot remember.  Yea, that’s my today song.

Modigliani this time

In continuing with copying great artists, here is an acrylic painting I did of one of Modigliani's many portraits of his wife, Jeanne Hebuterne.   Had fun doing this one.  Below it is Modigliani's original.

Otto Dix

Recently, me and my friend Evie have decided to do some drawings or paintings copying famous artists.  Here is my rendition of Otto Dix's Portrait of the Journalist Sylvia Von Harden.

I am not much of an artist, but it was fun to do.

Here is the original:

on high

Been having trouble with the autofocus on the 50mm lens I've newly been using.  Trying it out now on manual , which makes more sense in my head.  Haven't been in the most photographic circumstances, so I am still testing things out.
It was a gloomy evening, grey clouds heavy with rain, cold skies.  Took a few shots without checking any images to determine whether my exposure was any good... and it wasn't.  The shots were just plain underexposed.  Added enough contrast in PP that I brought up a bit of something, but I was way off.  Had the fstop at 14 for a couple, and maybe would've been fine at f8.  Could've upped the iso from 200, but I don't often mess with that.  Speed was as slow as I could get it (1/60) and still be ok handheld.

"marathon route"

color under grey skies

Just images taken from the window.  Some leaves have changed, some remain green.  I like the colors of the private houses.
Depending on the skies, I will go to the roof soon, and hopefully shoot the bridge at sunset.  So many contraptions (mobile phone crap) on the roof that it is hard to navigate.

super heroes and heroines

Tonight there was a Halloween party at my great-nephew's school, St. Patricks.  He went as Batman, and his mama went as Bat Girl.  A beautiful pairing.  The music was loud, and the kids danced, and were loud... I am definitely feeling my age!  (click on any pic to see the series larger)

Batman and BatGirl

some grown-ups got in on the action, too

a dance with mommy

little friends

Two Haiku for Autumn

Sun sets in the south
Rimmed with orange light
Seasons are changing again

                  *

The leaves hold on tight
Change comes from within
Letting go comes hard these days

reading some sky

I have not yet gotten into the habit of shooting tons of pictures at once.  I'm not one to take twenty shots of the same subject, as I don't see much use in it.  When I am shooting, I tend to shoot between 25 and 40 shots at a time, roughly the same number of shots available in rolls of film (24 & 36).  Back then I would bracket my shots, upping or downing the exposure, and not knowing what settings worked until getting them developed. Three or four shoots would suffice.  Nowadays, I choose a setting, chimp the shot (i.e. look at it), and adjust accordingly for the next shot... again, three or four shots suffice.
Of course, other factors go into the shot.... one can change the angle or perspective.  This will add on to shots taken...  I'm talking about basically a straight on shot... like of the sunset.  I take a few, and have done with it, unless I'm shooting with a zoom and get several perspectives.
Often, the "wrong" exposure will result in a more dramatic shot.  Fun when that happens.  Creating something that isn't quite there.

Here are a few of my most recent sunsets, showing the difference in a shot at various settings.  All shot with a 50mm prime.  (Click on any pic to see the series larger)

novel excerpt

A few years ago I wrote a novel which I started during a Nanowrimo (Nat'l Novel Writing Month) contest.  I am starting it's revision.  Here is chapter one, in case you feel like reading it.  If you do, I'd appreciate any feedback you want to give.

October, a novel.



Octavia poured a second cup of coffee as she sat waiting for morning.
The pinkish light started in the sky.  She felt calm, despite the excitement of the day.  She opened the AAA atlas, and looked again at the route she was going to take for a trip out to Colorado to visit her old friend, Jeanne.  They had not seen each other since 1975, and here it was five years later already.  It was time.  She closed the atlas and put it aside.  They’d known each other since their early teens, and Jeanne was always like a big sister to Octavia.  She missed being with her.

The Chevy Nova Coupe sat in the driveway, all buffed up for its first big adventure.  The ashtrays were cleaned out, and more maps were in the glove compartment.

Octavia drank her coffee; just slightly sweet with a touch of light cream.

She was quiet, not wanting to wake Michael, knowing he must’ve worked hard through the night.  Her brother was a sculptor, and he’d been drawing up plans for a new installation.

The trees were growing light in her vision.  She felt the breeze coming in the kitchen window, and saw it sway through the trees.  It was mid September, and Fall was clearly in the air.  Octavia imagined there would be an Indian Summer somewhere along her drive out West.

She was hungry, and wanted a big breakfast.  She wished Michael would wake up even if he was tired, so she could start making something.  Taking some dishes from the cabinet, she placed them quietly on the table.  She needed food, and definitely more coffee.
She took the eggs out of the refrigerator, and the bacon too; put on pot of new potatoes so she could make home fries.  It was going to be a real diner breakfast.  Orange or grapefruit juice available.

Octavia poured the remainder of the coffee into a thermal carafe, and put on a new pot.  Just as the coffee began to perk, she could hear Michael stirring in his room upstairs.  The smell of coffee woke him from his slumber.

Her brother could be a bear in the morning until he'd had his first cup of black coffee.  She could hear him washing up in the bathroom.

Walking into the kitchen, his hair stood in a shock upon his head, slightly wet from the water he'd thrown on his face.

"Mornin' Michael." she smiled, and kissed him on the cheek.  He looked forlorn, and Octavia could see him eyeing the atlas at one end of the table.

"I'm making us a big breakfast, I hope you're hungry."

"I'm starved."

"Good!"

"Tav, are you sure you don't want to fly out there?  You could leave today since you're so set on it ... but it would be so much easier."
This was the hundredth time he'd asked about the plane versus the car.

"Michael, I'm all set to drive there....... it's going to be okay, really.  I really want to see the country, you know?"

She may as well open the atlas, she thought, and spread it out in the middle of the table.  Triple AAA had mapped out her route from here to Tempest, CO.  She didn't want too many stops along the way, figuring she could drive long distances, but as the morning wore on, she imagined she'd be staying overnight a lot sooner than Cleveland, which seemed quite far away.  Nevertheless, it was her first designated stop for an overnighter.

"You know I'm hating this, right?" Michael said.

"I'm going to be careful, Michael.  I'll call you whenever I stop.  You'll get sick of hearing from me!"  Octavia wanted this morning to be light, and didn't want to talk about the benefits of a plane ride.  She wanted to see the country.  She wanted to go beyond her little world.

"The bacon smells good, Tav... when do we eat?"
He smiled the smile that made his face break into a whole new man.

"Coming up soon, Mr. Lindauer, who should have been making breakfast for me this morning!" she joked.

"You know I can't cook... Another reason you shouldn't be going.  Sorry, I have lots of reasons."

"Well, you know how to make coffee, at least.  And you're so lying that you don't know how to cook!"

They were light over breakfast, basking in the goodness of food as a common ground.

Michael began to clear the table of the morning dishes.  His movements were slow, and Octavia could tell that this one not one of his favorite days by a long shot.


“I made a list of all your contacts and posted it on the corkboard in the office”, she told Michael,  ‘There’s not much I do around here to begin with so you should be able to handle that stuff’.   ‘Grant said he’d hire you an assistant, remember.”

Michael just looked at her, barely hearing a word she said.  Already he was worried about her, the car, the places she’d be going.

“I’m going to get myself together, I want to be on the road by 9.” Octavia told him.

Michael stood at the sink washing the dishes.  Octavia knew he’d heard what she said, but still he was silent.

She went to the bedroom and dressed in the clothes that she had laid out.  Her favorite pair of jeans, a carpenter shirt, and her trusty Keds® sneakers.
She gathered up the candies and goodies she’d munch on during her drive.  Chips and chocolate bars.  Coffee would be gotten at rest stops along the way.

“Tav! Come down here.” Michael called.

“In a minute, Michael”  She wondered what he wanted.

When Octavia went back downstairs, she saw Michael standing in the light of the window.  He was no less beautiful than the night he came to her, as if out of a dream, sixteen years ago. Octavia remembered those first days in her fathers’ house.  He always smelled like a mix of body odor and beer, and she cried at night, wanting her mama back, and the soft fragrance of baby powder and vanilla that wrapped around her.
In her twelve years she did not remember him visiting her mother.  She had seen pictures of him, but was sure it was a different man, because that one was handsome, and had kind eyes.
Octavia looked at him through swollen eyes, searching for the kindness, but too young to see that it was really there, in his face that seemed so ancient to her.  Maybe he’s really my grandpa, she thought. Then she remembered her other grandpa, in heaven with mommy, and she cried harder, sure that this man wasn’t anything like that.
“Your brother’s coming home today, Tavy.” he said, putting down the newspaper he’d glanced at briefly.
“Octavia.” she corrected.  “I don’t have any brothers.”  She hated him, and knew she would hate him forever, because he was stupid and crazy and didn’t even know her name.
“Not your full brother, Tavy... this boy’s my son.. borne of a different mama than yours... but still half your blood.”

The day passed, and Octavia added Liar to the list of her father’s faults, when her “brother” did not return home.


Then one night Octavia dreamt that tigers were chasing her.  She woke screaming. “Mommyyyy!”
His figure came rushing into the room, silhouetted against the dim hallway light.  In her fright, she allowed him to wrap his arms around her,
“It’s all right, little one,’ he said in a gentle voice, ‘it’s all right.”
He stroked her hair, and rocked her in his arms until she was fast asleep once more.

Octavia lay in bed with her eyes open that morning, thinking about her night dreams of flashing red tigers, and the man who saved her in the dream.
Suddenly there was a  stranger peeking through the doorway, his brown hair shimmering like a wave against his eyes.  Octavia pulled her legs up against her chest, grabbing the blanket to her neck.  She wanted to scream, but her throat wouldn’t let out the sound.
“Hey, little one!  No more bad dreams, I hope.”
Octavia could not close her eyes in this dream.


He was beautiful.  A guardian angel! Octavia thought... Her mother must have sent him, because he looked just like the father in the pictures.

“You have your mother’s beautiful hair, little one, I’ve seen pictures... brown as an oak in autumn.  May I call you October?” he smiled.
Octavia didn’t look at him directly, but a smile blushed her face as she twirled her hair between her fingers, and looked at it.  She pinched herself under the covers, but still she didn’t wake up.
“O.K.” she said.
“OK!’ he said in a morning voice, “Now, what do you say we have some breakfast?  I want to hear all about my beautiful sister...”
He held out his hand.  She was not afraid to take it.
Slipping out of the bed, she stepped into her slippers, still holding his hand.
“He wasn’t lying,” she said softly.
“What’s that, October?”
She looked into his eyes.  They were kind, and as blue as the robin’s egg she’d found in a field one summer day.
“Oh….  nothing,” she said, and they headed towards the kitchen for breakfast.

Today his crystal blue eyes showed age around the edges, but this made him only more appealing, Octavia thought.  His face was still strong, with classic lines.  She envied his fine straight nose, self-consciously touching the bump on her own.  His lips were narrow, and when he wasn’t speaking, it looked as though there was a scar drawn across his face.  They did not look alike. Octavia’s features nearly mirroring her mothers, and Michael resembling their father.  Their natures were not un-alike. Although Michael’s temper had a shorter fuse, Octavia’s slow erupting way was no less passionate.
His eyes looked sad, eyeing the open atlas.  Octavia wished she had not put it on the table.







“You’ve got an extra set of keys, right?  And that safety kit I bought you?  I still don’t see why you can’t just take a plane, Octavia… say the word right now, and I’ll make the arrangements for you.”

“Michael.’ She said quietly, ‘we’ve done this already.  I want to drive; I want to see some of the country.  I’m a big girl, I’ll be all right.”  She tried sounding light, hoping he would smile.

“I can’t help it, Octavia. You’re my little one.  You know that.”

Octavia felt a lump in her throat when he said it.  She didn’t want this to be a sad morning, and she didn’t want Michael to sense her apprehension to leave.  Living under his roof was always a safe haven for her.  She didn’t want for anything he could not provide, as he provided much, even in the leaner years when few knew the name Lindauer.  Leaving him for even a few weeks was not something she had ever done before.

“I can’t wait to see Jeanne.” She said.

Michael’s face went suddenly light, his eyes looking far away, and he smiled.  “My God, you two loved driving me crazy!”

Octavia and Jeanne had met soon after Octavia arrived in Hopewell, at the ages of twelve and fourteen, respectively.  They often took particular delight in taunting Michael as he worked.  They would run through his studio without regard for his concentration, squealing and laughing, until he arose from his stool threatening to cook them in the kiln, or some equally horrific fate.  His mouth would curl, and he would bare his teeth.  Sometimes he would just flick a brush full of oil paint in their direction, but careful its spray was just short of reaching them; his eyes twinkling and his smile evident despite trying his best to appear the ogre.

Octavia poured more coffee, and they studied the map together, after Michael opened it again.  She ran her finger across the Highway 90 to a stop in Ohio, where she would stay overnight.   Michael complained, saying she should stop much sooner than that.  She appeased him by saying she would stop if the driving was too much.

Octavia closed the atlas, and shoved it into an overstuffed leather satchel.
“You’d better take good care of yourself, Michael.’ She said, smoothing his hair a bit. ‘Don’t work for days without sleeping, I know how you get… and you won’t forget to eat, will you?”  She felt the words choking in her throat.

“Now who’s being the worry wart?” he smiled.  “Wait, I have something for you.”
Michael went to the living room and returned with a pastel drawing, which he placed on the table where the atlas had been.

“Oh, Michael!  It’s so beautiful.” She said, blushing, because it was a portrait of her.  She looked at it for a long while, feeling a chill run up her back when she met her own eyes in the drawing. She saw that Michael had signed his name on a wisp of her hair, which was wild, and dramatically red, waving out past the corners of the paper.

She could no longer hold back her tears, and she hugged Michael close to her.
“I’m going to miss you so much!”

“So don’t go.” There was a crack in his voice, and a resigned sigh…  “I’ll have this mounted and framed for you before you return.”

Octavia smiled and thanked him.  She wondered how long he had the piece, or if it was a creation from the night before.  He had never before depicted her with such fire.

She felt a whole new sensation come over her… like she was really free, and ready to soar.

Everything was set.  Now only ‘farewell’s’ were in order.

She hugged Michael as he sat on the kitchen chair.  He stood up and hugged her back; one of his best bear hugs that made her feel so safe since she was a child.

“I don’t know how I’ll fare without you, Octavia…  you’re my right arm, you know.”

Octavia put her satchel in the passenger seat.

“I’ll stop before I reach route 90, and call you… that’s not too far ahead.”

She got in the car and turned the engine.  Michael stood on the porch of the old house, waving at her.  It was hard pulling away.

Crystal give-away

Some 30-35 years ago, I used to teach Crystal Healing Workshops.  I studied under the auspices of Oh Shinnah Fast Wolf for many years, and learned many wonderful and magical things.  I have used crystals alone for healing, and have used them in conjunction with acupuncture, as well.  Crystals have always been a part of my life, and have added to it in untold ways.
The other day I decided to give away one of my precious crystals that has been with me for decades.  It is always exciting to impart a crystal on another person, knowing their life will be enriched by it.  On this occasion I decided to give a crystal to my great-nephew, Logan.  When he gets older I will impart more information about the crystal.  For now I told him it was like the crystals where Superman lives, and he can surely relate to that.  The crystal I gave him is double.. one large one, and a smaller one growing next to it.  I'd like to think of that as representing me and Logan.

a little holiday away with loved ones

Today I returned from a three day stay in Harrisburg, PA.  Went with my sister, Tree, my niece, Melissa, and her son, Logan.  The sun was strong, and the hotel, although out-dated, was wonderful to stay at.  Being with Tree and Melis was extra special... we hadn't gone away together like that since Melissa was little.  The added bonus was Logan, who is so  special and loving, and absolutely funny, and smart.  He is nearly five now, and his personality is really coming to the fore.  He was thrilled with the room (two rooms, actually, a King Suite), and loved using the key-card slot in lieu of keys. He entertained us by dancing "gangham" style.  Time at the pool was extra special, with him attempting valiantly  to swim.  I haven't been in the water like that in over twently years, and it felt glorious.  Logan gave me and my sister white stones which he picked up from outside the hotel.  I will always treasure it, and found a spot for it in my memory box.
One night, around 2:30 am, I was sitting outside having a smoke, and I saw a strange blinking light far up in the sky, traveling fast.  The next morning on the news, someone had taken a video of strange lights seen in the sky... they saw numerous ones.  No one has yet identified what they were.  Unfortunatly, I didn't have my camera with me.
Here of some snapshots of our time together., taken by both me and Melissa.