send in the clowns

Been a while since I've checked in here,  so it's about time.

Its been a roller coaster ride, I guess you'd say.  Some days I'm just about ready to call an ambulance to take me to the ER, on other days, I'm feeling a bit stronger and positive.  Often times I'm somewhere in between.

Me and Evie will spend Christmas time and New Year's Eve together, which is great... thank God for her in my life... But still, I miss my family very much, and not being with them, especially on Christmas Eve, just sucks.  I just can't make that stairway to Melissa's apartment, and no one comes here, so family time just isn't happening.

Right now I can hardly remember the last time I went out.  I guess it was some doctor's appointment, and proved to be a very hard time just getting there and back.

The home-care people from my insurance company set me up with a pcp visit at home so I could get my prescriptions mostly.  That was all well and good, but I told him how I really needed a motorized wheelchair or scooter to help me get around.  I was under the impression that one's pcp sends in the prescription for that, but this guy told me he couldn't do that.  What the hell?  He could get me a cane, big whoop.  I can only walk so far without getting short of breath.. Maybe half a block if I'm lucky.  A standard wheelchair wouldn't do me any good either, because the exertion from pushing it myself would also hinder my breathing.  I just don't understand.  I'm not sure who can help me with this, either.  Having suffered with depression for the past twenty-five years or so, I'm surprised I haven't jumped into the Atlantic at this point.  But death is not something I'm in any hurry to get to... hell, just the opposite.

To say I have cabin-fever would be a gross understatement.

Some people in my life have started to say "good-bye" to me.  Two people in particular.  One being an online friend, the other being a dear old friend of mine.  I guess they want to tell me what I mean to them while I'm still alive.  It's pretty weird, though, and I never imagined such a thing happening.  A part of me is touched by the sentiment.  Another part of me just wants to say "Hey stop!  I'm not going anywhere any time soon."   But who really knows?

I remember getting mad at my mom because she had signed DNR (do not resuscitate) papers the last time she was in the hospital.  Now I  understand a bit better, and have even signed those papers myself.  I just didn't want to face that reality with my mom.  For myself, it's a little easier.  No walk in the park, though.

I keep pretty crazy hours.  3am now, and I had planned on going to sleep, but here I am, back at the computer.  I get very congested if I lay down for too long, and waking up unable to breathe well is very scary, so I am always putting it off until I am literally falling out while sitting up.

As much as it hurts not to have my mom around anymore, I am glad she doesn't have to live through watching me go through this. It would have made her so sad.  Although I believe that she is watching me from above, I also believe that those who have passed on don't have any value judgement concerning those of us who are alive. That is, she knows what's going on but does not view it as good or bad... she just knows, and that is good enough.  I sure do miss her, though.  I miss my dad, too, of course, but its been over 25 years that he's gone now, so I'm a bit more used to it, I guess you'd say.  Mom will be gone just two years this coming February, so it's still pretty new, really.

So, that's about it.

I wish everyone out there a very Merry Christmas, and pray that 2017 brings only good stuff into your lives.

Peace.